Yesterday, I did something that I swore I wasn’t going to talk about on this blog but I decided that with all the information I received, I needed to get one part of the session out into the open so that it can stop circulating in my mind. I can silence the inner demons and just move on. Vent. Verbal vomit. Dump. You get it.
The main topic of my session with Shawna was to figure out what it is I’m supposed to do with the rest of my life. I’m at that awkward age where my kids don’t need me as much anymore and I’m unfulfilled in my career. I thought it was a great time to sit back and reevaluate where I am and where I want to go.
It’s a perfect time to leave my mark but how? Where? In what area? Should I change careers or sit tight and keep moving forward.
Essentially I was asking Shawna the age-old question, “What do I want to be when I grow up???”
After exhausting my questions about my marriage, my kids, and what I should pursue career-wise, I asked her a question I was pretty sure I already knew the answer to but hoped she’d at least lie to me, but no such luck.
I asked, “Do I have any true friends?”
She told me that the spirits told her no and that the people who sought me out only used me for what they needed from me, and then moved on (or I moved on after discovering their true motives). Shawna said that, in their defense, they each thought they were being friends with me at the time of the friendship but that once I could do more for them, they disappeared.
I’m not writing this piece in order to gain sympathy because although it stung to find out that the spirits also knew the truth about my lack of true friendships, I’m writing to process and let go of the knowledge. Perhaps even to make serious changes.
And let’s be honest, I’m a terrible friend right back. I know this. I deserve what I have in my life. You get what you give, right?
What does it take to be a good friend, though? I truly don’t know. I know I’m not the poster child for close female friendships. I disappear for long periods of time because of depression, anxiety or overwhelm. I avoid calls because I’m an introvert and I don’t like talking on the phone. I never invite anyone over to my house because it’s 16.5 years overdue for a remodel.
I have greatly improved on my canceling of ‘dates,’ though, so there’s that. One-on-one with people, I’m okay but if I’m invited to a party? I have a greater than 75% chance of canceling. Social anxiety.
For now, I’ve started going to MeetUps. We’re at the ‘discovery’ and honeymoon phase in which we all like each other and are being polite. Many of the ladies seem very even, friendly, genuine, and approachable. They seem like they just want to help, kind of just like me. So here’s to hoping I make some genuine friends and the spirits can smile at my progress.
Oh, and the spirits said my daughter was my best friend. Can’t really argue with that!